Unresolved Fights and Break-Ups: How To Get Unstuck

I am sure I am not the first person to tell you, that the more energy you give to resisting and blaming another person, the harder it is to actually resolve a conflict, or to fully move on from a break up.

So, instead of resisting and blaming, what might we do instead? What is it SPECIFICALLY that is the single-most effective method to resolve, or move on?

It is the simplest thing, yet an incredible challenge for most of us.

We need to take full accountability for having caused any amount of harm to the other person, even if we believe the person feels this way, largely because of their own projection or wounding.

Because, the more we resist their experience and reality, for the sake of asserting we are right in our own experience, this keeps us giving our energy to them, through blame and opposition, and the desire to force them to validate us. It also drains our own internal resources to keep up this fight, because essentially we need to keep reaffirming to our self that our reality and feelings are somehow more valid and right than the other’s, when in actuality, we are always equal, no matter what. We are always equal in validity and rightness, even if our perceptions of reality could be qualified as opposite, because we all are the center of our experience, and thus, the center of a reality we each uniquely construct, that is justified and valid based on our own beliefs, perspectives, and experiences. One person’s perspective may seem ludicrous when compared to the cultural construct or context of “right” and “real”, but this STILL means their dignity, experience, and actual integrity in relationship is valid and real, in its own right.

Anyways, enough with the subjectivist, philosophical stuff. I understand what I have written here could be debated when sharing about fundamentalist, extremism, and I am by no means justifying violence, bigotry, or oppression. I am saying though, that the humanity and right to love, empathy, compassion, and understanding, in even the “worst” people, by societal or global standards, cannot be denied.

Let’s get back to the practical purpose of this article.

So, to resolve or move on completely, it requires initiating taking 100% accountability for how this other person believes you made them feel, and let go of demanding they do the same for you. By taking 100% accountability, you get the opportunity to show genuine empathy for how much pain they are in, and also cease to remain in an opposed position. Doing this will show them that you have released them to deal with their feelings and their own accountability, without forcing anything from them. Because you have ceased to hold the opposition role with them, which places you both at a polarity with one another, there is a far greater chance they will also be inspired to come forward, and be accountable and empathetic as well.

I understand the immense vulnerability in initiating 100% accountability for how you have (in the other’s reality) caused them to feel pain, as you run the risk that in doing this, they may actually take your apology, flip you off, deny any accountability, and scapegoat you further. This is a possible outcome. However, if you sincerely do this, with empathy and care, you will be clear enough in your own perception and on your side of the equation, to adequately assess if this is unresolvable conflict, and if you need to take adequate measures to limit or remove exposure to this person.

Additionally, if you were doing this in an attempt to move on from a relationship, it likely won’t matter what they do with your acceptance of 100% accountability for how you made them feel, in their reality, because the act of doing this, is releasing yourself from needing anything from them in return. There will no longer be a need from them for validation, as you aren’t trying to be right, and have already accepted that you possibly caused harm in some way. Doing this is, in essence, an act of self-forgiveness and self-validation. You have given yourself what you need to resolve.

This alone, is one of the most empowering acts you can do, and provides the best possible circumstance for another to be empowered too! If they choose disempowerment, your hands are clean, and you can move forward, recognizing they have chosen not to move forward with you, process the feelings you may have about their decision, and all the while, having finally attained feeling right within your self.

Why not try this out?

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Coach. Psychologist. Writing about new perspectives, love, relationships, Narcissism, healing, transformation, & culture. www.avapommerenkphd.com

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