Member-only story
The Ways We Get Love All Wrong: Defenses Versus Boundaries, and Adult Attachment
I haven’t met very many people in the course of my work as a therapist and coach, as well as in my personal life, that approach the process of love, without first attempting to figure out how they might protect themselves from getting hurt.
In fact, I would say, even the most adept relationship therapists and coaches, as well as the most well-practiced and self aware people I know, are rather misguided around their “boundaries”. I place the word boundaries in quotation marks here, because I don’t believe most of us actually know what boundaries are, and how to put them into practice. Instead, we confuse defensive strategies for our boundaries, attempting to exert power, control, or influence, over another’s behavior and experiences, so that we might not feel so fearful and insecure, when facing conflict, differing needs, separation, or intimacy.
Early in my psychology education, I once had a teacher describe the difference between boundaries and defenses, and almost two decades later, do I feel I now understand what he meant. From how I remember it, which is certainly, he stated that boundaries have perforation in their psychic structure, are open to influence, and are a way to communicate to another what you need, and how you might feel if they say, do, or act a certain way. Boundaries help people get to know who you are, what triggers and wounds you have, and are a gesture towards connection and intimacy. Boundaries are a process and a conversation we continue to navigate with others. Whereas, defenses are solid and inflexible. Defenses are a way we seek to control another. If others trigger our defensive strategies, we punish them through a self-protective, often blaming, reaction. There is no way to connect with defenses, as they depend on blame and projection, are constructed of demands and threats, and they block influence. Defensive strategies instead cause us to perceive others existing and being a certain way toward us, as an offense or a threat.
I was confused when hearing boundaries are perforated, and defenses are solid lines. I thought this was ridiculous. I saw relationships in a much more simplistic way at that point in my life. I thought we had to protect ourselves from others either consciously, or unwittingly, using or…
