The Right To Exist
Last night I asked myself what is at the root of ways I am getting stuck in life right now.
I have revisited this process, over and over and over again, almost daily, for the past 10 years, for my self and also for those around me. I used to be a therapist. I am now a coach. I have been on quite the ride of transformation in the past 15 years. I have definitely struggled with my demons, and used what I have learned, and my own transformational processes, as springboards for my connections, and work with others.
I have always gotten to this same, personal dead end. This dead-end, despite my immense progress by external standards, is centered around not feeling capable of making that final step on this path, to create fundamental changes in an area of my life right now, that I know will lead to greater overall satisfaction and happiness. This change requires a major shift in the internal structure of my Self. This internal re-arrangement is something I have worked tirelessly towards in the past years, only to hit this wall, over and over again.
However, last night was different. Synchronistically, the power went out in my apartment as of the late afternoon, and did not return for the remainder of the night. Everything slowed down, and I suppose I needed this to get to the place inside where I ended up. I decided to write by candlelight, and meditate longer than I might if I had had electricity.
I proceeded to write down every limiting belief that brings me pain in life right now, and also ends up being used as a block towards taking that strongly- yearned- for, step further.
I reduced them all down to a most common denominator belief:
“I don’t have a right to exist”.
As soon as I wrote it, I began to cry. My whole body felt the “truth” of it in my cells. I knew immediately that this belief has been there in the background, gaining strength through my lack of conscious awareness of it, and wreaking havoc on my larger goals, and my efforts to create large-scale changes in my life.
It makes sense I learned this belief pretty early on, as despite my mother’s love and care for me, my very existence was largely perceived as a burden and an actual harm to her, from the time I was born. Additionally, my existence was not acknowledged nearly enough by my father, though I know he loved me in the ways he knew how, as well. I learned, from a very young age, that being human and existing as a human experience, with all the striving, success, emotions, and processes this entailed, was not allowed. My mother modeled to me that I needed to make up for my existence on this planet, and constantly be in the process of earning it. That I needed to believe if I couldn’t control the outcomes of my existence and my feelings, I didn’t deserve to exist. That purely existing and the process of it, as I was, was not my birthright.
I have spent years and years in therapy, and have located this belief before, but it was never the focal point. Or, rather, I hadn’t known what to do with it until now, as it had previously felt too vague and too big. But, last night, I understood its bones, and I could feel the pain, I could feel the child parts of me that truly believed it, and I could begin to let it go.
I saw so clearly for the first time that this belief, that I don’t have a right to exist, has led me to not fully embrace changing fundamental aspects of my self, because I have believed I haven’t had a right to exist in the first place. If I don’t have a right to exist, I sure as heck do not have a right to embrace a new existence. Instead, there is no “there” there, when I try to make these changes.
Today I awoke, with power turned back on, feeling motivated, happy, and more present, and more capable than I have felt in a very long time. I will keep working to undo any further remnants of this belief in my system, and am excited to step into the next phase of my life right now!
So, as I sit here writing, I ask you, “What is the lowest-common-denominator belief that is perhaps getting you stuck right now?” If you can locate this, I guarantee your success in beginning to move past it.
So, get quiet. Light a candle, or turn on a soft light. Get comfortable. Pray. Meditate. Do what gets you present and open. And give yourself time to write this list and whittle it down to the root belief.
Go for it!
Let me know how it goes!
- * Photo credit goes to Zuri Pommerenk. https://www.photographybyzuri.com/
