Hello Caeden!

I agree that our emotions are complicated and we have various ways we interact with and deal with them, and we must understand them, be accountable, and learn how to regulate them.

I also agree that dealing with rage (or anger) is tricky, and can be messy and disastrous. I do not think anger and rage are the same thing. Rage is a combination of emotional and somatic experiences packed together, as a result of trauma, and needs to be understood and processed.

I think it truly depends on how one moves through their rage, that determines if it helps them “resolve issues with other parts of your psyche”. If one takes their rage at face value, doesn’t let their self fully accept that it is there, and begin to understand why it is there, this can be problematic. In fact, what gets Empaths into long relationships with Narcissists, I believe, is already the inability to understand and deal with rage, manifested as an internalizing expression of it. And, what makes a Narcissist so distinctly Narcissistic, and in need of Narcissistic supply (what leads their desire to enter relationship and remain in it), is their inability to understand and deal with rage, as well, manifested as the externalizing behavior I speak of.

I am not at all recommending people just become rageful and stay rageful, while using their rage as an excuse to perpetuate a victim mentality, and thus justify one doing violent, destructive and spiteful action, for the rest of their life. That would mean I am suggesting one become a Narcissist as a means to stop being a victim of Narcissists. Conversely, I am saying we need to start somewhere, and that sometimes letting yourself own and feel this rage and participate in some of this behavior, rather than still trying to be “good”, is the exact beginning to the process of getting unhooked from a Narcissist, starting to truly be accountable, and to start taking your life back.

After getting one’s life back, a person must then focus increasingly so, on their self and their own process, and what it is that set them on the path to getting stuck with the Narcissist in the first place. In other words, they must then begin to build a new, more authentic and empowered sense of accountability. Many people in this stage of healing, after leaving a Narcissist, or having been discarded, are feeling numb and lost. Rage in this stage, can also be used for presence and to “wake up”, so to speak, as a cue or an entry-point for recognizing there is something inside that must be taken care of and healed. Learning to embody and heal rage, helps us all learn to practice how to be accountable and empowered, while also simultaneously acknowledging one was ACTUALLY victimized, or at least victimized at some point in the past (repeatedly), and they never deserved this, and it was wrong. I believe true forgiveness of self and others cannot happen unless a person travels through rage and processes it in the above way.

So, I am not at all suggesting one choose to stop at the step of embracing rage, as an excuse to remain stuck in rage and blaming the Narcissist for their experience, for the rest of their life. But, if stopping at embracing rage, leads to actually leaving a Narcissist, I am glad my advice helped on a practical level. However, I believe that unless we use the rage as a healing and growth opportunity, the likelihood of ultimately ending up with another Narcissist in the future, is rather high.

Thank you for your comment. I enjoyed the challenge in responding to you, and in clarifying my points. I hope my response helps.

Coach. Psychologist. Writing about new perspectives, love, relationships, Narcissism, healing, transformation, & culture. www.avapommerenkphd.com

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store