Escaping The Self-Worth Circus

In my adult life, I have received the consistent message of all the ways I need to improve and perfect myself, to become worthy of love.

Some of these messages are implicit, some explicit. These messages follow this theme: If only I were worthy or enough somehow, I would finally experience some iteration of love from existence, society, culture, community, family, or a partner.

Let me be more clear about these iterations of love, by sharing a belief many of us hold: If I were _________ enough (and thus worthy), I could then experience my ultimate level of meaning, purpose, control, power, attractiveness, abundance, admiration in all realms, success in all forms, and finally attract the right partner, who I could live happily ever after with.

Something happened for me some time between ages 28 and 32. Call it Saturn Return, if you will, for all you astrology people out there. This “something” had me realize I was NEVER going to reach perfection. I was NEVER going to attain the worthiness or enoughness that would allow me to finally secure those iterations of love I share about, above. In fact, as I get older, I realize, if I play by these same beliefs and rules about deserving love, I will likely have to work harder to be “loved”, or at least find a way to sustain the same level of effort for the rest of my life. This is exhausting, AND unsustainable.

So, I gave up.

I started pissing people off. I started letting go. I started missing appointments and being…