A part of me did a little cheer reading this. And then I wilted a little inside, realizing that the men who are like this, simply see this objectification of women as an innocent process of “seeing where things go” or “just having fun” or “casual dating”. Some will even say they warned the woman about not being ready for a relationship, but she proceeded to keep coming back and giving more. Ultimately, the worst of these guys won’t take responsibility for themselves. They lack the empathy necessary to understand their impact and feel along with someone how deeply they have harmed them, due to their approach to dating and relationships.

Other thoughts…

I find the concept of dating very interesting.

Dating more than one person at a time isn’t effective for me, unless in a pre-arranged open/poly situation, where the first choice is already established, and there is a hierarchy that is consented to, and respectful to all involved.

But, yeah, rotating between five people is a great escape from dealing with one’s own issues, as well as a great way to make it a game around maintaining or increasing self-worth. Additionally, it is a wonderful way to distract oneself from truly getting to know yourself or another. Both sides do themselves a disservice by not making the other the ONLY choice, rather than just ranking people, and filling one’s time with the lesser options.

Why don’t we just follow actual attraction to someone, and make them first choice (only choice), while getting to know them, and when we are clear we aren’t in to it, just respectfully leave and have a caring process to end it?

When I date, from the position of being single, and to establish a monogamish bond, I would rather just focus on one person, commit to the process of being vulnerable, open, and willing to be intimate, to give my all to see if I don’t get in my own way, whether the relationship could work out.

I just think if anyone is dating for any other reason than for a monogamous, actual deepening of relationship, they should explicitly state this, so both parties can consent to an arrangement with boundaries in place to stop the above fuckery from occurring.

If we all had the awareness and courage to practice the level of honesty and integrity to state what we want, commit fully to a process of getting to know someone and sharing our self, set boundaries, and not play weird fear and ego games, there would be a whole lot less wounded people walking around. Additionally, we could clearly walk away when something looks out of alignment with what we need, because we aren’t distracted, are connected to our self, and won’t have guilt about waling away because we haven’t given our all or tried hard enough.

Additionally, if we could all be this way, Narcissists wouldn’t get very far. Hard to date a Narcissist, when you are certain of your self-worth and aren’t using dating to fill this void, are clear on your own boundaries and what you want, are not scared of time alone when not with them (aren’t distracting yourself with multiple other people), and you have acted/behaved the best you know how, and it STILL isn’t working.

Keep in mind the woman who will give someone everything, who is not actually available, is usually not addressing deeper wounding around self-worth and fear of being alone and deeply unlovable. Otherwise, she would value herself enough to leave as soon as she sees games are occurring.

This is said from a woman who has dated multiple pathological Narcissists. I understand Narc abuse from the inside out, but I also have the position that we are responsible for preventing them from staying in our lives once we see who they are. The earlier we get them out, the better.

Coach. Psychologist. Writing about new perspectives, love, relationships, Narcissism, healing, transformation, & culture. www.avapommerenkphd.com

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